Wednesday, March 30, 2011
I said, last time, that I believe God could fix this, but that he probably won’t. I think everyone has their trials to bare and that our Father in Heaven is always there for us, mindful of every sparrow that falls. He cries with us, comforts us, and carries us when we can’t go on. But He sent us here to gain experience and if He were to take away the pains of living in a fallen world, our growth would be stunted and our lives on Earth would serve very little purpose.
I am grateful for all of the prayers and thoughts being sent our way. They have provided me with much peace at times I would have expected to fall apart. And I have been given insight that helps me prepare for the worst, constructively, while hoping for the best. I say this in prelude to what I am about to say, so that if you disagree, you might see where I am coming from.
The phrase I seem to get the most lately is “Miracles happen,” or some variation on the theme. I do not discredit this. I know God shows his hand in mighty miracles even today, as in the times of Christ’s ministry. I have seen mighty, yet quiet miracles in my own life. But, as I told my crying mother as we talked about this, sometimes the miracle we get is not the one we would have chosen for ourselves.
The first time this really hit me hard, I was talking to Nei.l about the situation and he brought up the fact that a friend of our friends had a similar experience to ours and wanted to let us know that we could talk to them if we desired to do so. At this point, I had been bombarded with many such comments about people who had “the same thing” happen and everything turned out just fine. So I asked Nei.l, with hidden sarcasm, if everything with them had “turned out just fine”. He replied quietly, “No, the baby died.” I could not say anything. I was so taken aback. Shocked. Our baby could die. And Nei.l wasn’t telling me everything would be ok.
The next day I could barely function. I broke down in my morning shower, sobbing where no one could hear me above the din of the falling water; cradling my round belly, wondering how I could get through the next 3 months facing the possibility of losing Trist.an. All day, I was bitter and angry and on the verge of tears. That night I tried to sleep. I finally hit the sheets for good at 2:30. Did not start drifting off until Nei.l’s alarm went off at 5 a.m. I functioned the next day on 3.5 hours of sleep, but refused to nap so I might sleep that night. I did sleep from about 10 until 3:30.
At 3:30 I woke up with thoughts buzzing around my head like pesky flies. As I lay there a song came into my mind that I had been listening to the day before. I had been listening to a Mormon Tabernacle Choir cd to calm my troubled mind, and now the beautiful “Ooo”ing of the chorus filled my head. The only words to the hymn that I could think of were these: “Ponder anew, what the Almighty can do…”
I will just finish the story with what I wrote in my journal.
” ‘Ponder anew, what the Almighty can do…’ I keep going over this simple phrase. Yet I feel strongly that this physical challenge is not going to be prayed away this time. I know that Heavenly Father could heal this baby’s little heart, but I am not sure that is His will concerning this. So I have been pondering on whether these words keep coming to me because this conclusion I have made about God’s will is a lack of faith on my part. Then it occurs to me that these words aren’t about the physical. The savior wrought many miracles of physical healing while He was here on Earth and continues to do so. But the biggest, most important miracle of all, is that He overcame death. He gave us a way to return to Heaven by overcoming physical death, and one step more, He gave us the sealing power so that not only can we return, but we can be with our families there. That is what the Almighty can do. That is where my faith will be tested. It was a fairly easy thing to say that I wanted a “forever family” and to change my life so that I could marry in the temple. At least much easier than it would be to let my first born son return to Heavenly Father without anger or bitterness on my part; with faith that God will keep His promise to let us be together again, as long as we live for it. I have always said that being married in the temple and having my family sealed to me was the most important thing. But now, can I have faith that there is life beyond this one, that Christ defeated even physical death, and that our son would be waiting for us by Jesus’ side? I really am pondering for the first time, and in tangible terms, what the Almighty can do.”
As an after thought I added this:
“Passover. If only I could paint the door jamb with blood to save our son. It was a simple outward expression of faith; faith in the blood of the lamb to save their first born sons from death. Do I have that faith?”
This is not to say stop praying for us. On the contrary we need all the prayers we can to get through this difficult time. This is only to say that miracles are around us all the time- just not always what we expect them to be.