Our Little Angel

Thursday, November 1, 2012

Tr.istan's 3rd Birthday and Too Many Little Angels

Well October is over for this year and I feel like we let it pass without dwelling much on Trist.an. When September dwindled into the last warm days of summer, I felt a sudden heaviness settle on me. This sadness deepened as I watched a couple members from my support group, (Intermountain Healing Hearts), struggle with the health of their dear children. All so young, and who have endured so much in their short little lives. And the parents that worry and care and selflessly serve these kids as they watch their own flesh and blood suffer through bad health, medical procedures; they have to be wondering, "how long will it be like this?" or "how much more can my child take?" or just "why?". I admire these moms so much and wonder how they find the strength and optimism to pull them through while going through the kind of uncertainty I only experienced for mere months. I know some would look at me and say they'd rather go through the worry and the stress as long as their little one could remain in their physical arms. All I can say is that we are each uniquely called and qualified for the trials we are to endure. As I watched the updates spatter the wall of our little facebook group, another one of our mothers posted on the wall that their little girl was in the Children's Hospital in Orlando instead of in Disney World meeting Minnie Mouse for her Make a Wish trip, and my dread deepened. I struggled to understand why. Why must any other mother go through the nightmare of losing their baby? Why do we have to add any new members to our angel group? Why couldn't I have been the last? Why? Then just days before Tris.tan's Angel Anniversary the news came that this sweet little girl was done with her fight and had been called home. I struggled. I struggled with the pain of knowing another mother was missing her baby. I struggled with the reasons why. I struggled so much, that I didn't want to think about Tris.tan. I didn't want to think about the loss or the hole that is in our family. I didn't want to think about this office that should be a little boy's room, decorated with monsters and dinosaurs and trucks. But the truth is, I think about it everyday. I think about the extra car seat that should be in our car. I think about the treats I should be buying for a 3 year old little boy, and I think about the fact that he'd be a Sunbeam in church this January. Then there is the flip side. This little angel girl that I spoke of has an earth-angel for a mother. This mother posted on Facebook, before removing life support "Heaven is about to get a little sweeter." And I guess that is the best "why" that we have. These angels are done with their work here on Earth, and now they are continuing their work in Heaven. It's hard for me to imagine a more urgent purpose for my boy, than being here in my arms, or being a human tornado in my freshly cleaned house, but Heaven's lucky to have him. Happy 3rd Birthday Tris.tan. We may have celebrated you more quietly than usual this year, but you're still ever as close to our hearts.


  1. Beautifully written. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. Maybe Tristan is helping Mia learn the ropes up there and recruiting her to watch over all the heart kiddos who need some extra heavenly help right now. Happy birthday little guy.

  2. You are wonderful Arae. Thank you for the post. I am sorry. It is hard.

  3. You write so beautifully and have once again brought tears to my eyes. Your words are so touching about your sweet Trist.an and Mia. Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us. Love you!