Julie, the NILMDTS photographer, gave me a sneak peek of the pictures she got of Trist.an. They are spectacular. I stared at each image for ages today trying to recall his baby scent and the silkiness of his hair under my chin, and the feeling I had when Nei.l brought him to me around the surgical curtain and held his cheek to mine. I just kept begging, whispering to him, “Please stay- just as long as you can. Please, stay!” But how do you convince an angel to stay in this dreary world? Even so, he did.
So many memories in one day and they all keep fading, more each day. But those pictures have brought those memories back to me on a day I really needed it.
I think I am doing well in some ways. I get out of bed each morning, I go for days without crying and I think in general I am handling things well. But in a separate compartment of my life, my heart is broken. Shattered, actually. A new heart-angel friend said it so well; That out of the millions of pieces of her broken heart, she was being built a new and stronger one. But it’s such a painful process.
I am not worried about Trist.an at all. I know he’s perfectly ok. He’s probably watching me with a “tsk, tsk, tsk… if only i could show you the whole picture,” on his face. But my heart aches for the moments I should be having with him now; the middle of the night feedings, the excitement to take him out to church and in public, waiting for the night he would finally sleep all the way through, the trip to Kiddie Kandids to get his first pictures done, reminding McK.enna not to try and pick him up, and keeping Adel.e from poking him in the eyes!…Just holding him.
I thought I would share a poem I wrote for Trist.an shortly after we were given our options and asked to consider them. It’s very rough and flawed, but I don’t want to edit it because the way I feel now would change it because its different from how I felt then. And I want to keep that. So for Trist.an,
What would you pay
For one single day;
To feel the warmth of sunlight,
As it’s washed from your face
By late Autumn breeze laced with frosty bite?
What would you give,
For one moment to live;
To be held in a tearful embrace,
As your heart blazes warm, overflows with pure love,
As it reflects golden in my face?
How much is it worth,
Your foot on this Earth;
To run, to jump, to dance,
Chasing fireflies o’er grassy hills
As pink skies retire Sun another day?
Is there pain too much, a price too high
For the chance to see tomorrow’s dawn sky;
When you long to return Home above,
Leaving our loving hands
For the arms of Jesus’ love?
- By Arae Wyatt 2009
Happy One Month memories to Trist.an today. We love and miss you dearly.